What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
