My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
