I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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