I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
