we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
