Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
