I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
