Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
