If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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