6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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