woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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