Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
