well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
