I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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