I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
