The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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