I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
