Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
