why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
