Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
