Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
