as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
