five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
