Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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