and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
