We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
