I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
