she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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