I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
