Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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