I've blown a few things in my day
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
