Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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