I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
