I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
