Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
