If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
