Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
