It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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