If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
