Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
