I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
