that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
