I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
