who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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