Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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