call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
