I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
