You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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