Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
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