my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just google imaged poop.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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