Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm really into asian looking animals
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
