you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
