Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
