Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
