alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
