I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
