p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
